Friday, August 29, 2008

The Real Reason McCain Picked Palin

It's been pointed out in these pages before that Obama is the choice of basketball. It similarly seems obvious that, thus far, McCain is the football candidate.

Now, I enjoy football as much as anyone, but let's be honest: football is about militancy and conformity. Football is Bill Bellicheck and some old guy in Pennsylvania, and some kind of tradition in the deep south and Friday Night Lights and an addiction to painkillers. And non-guaranteed contracts, and not being able to walk after you retire, and having concussions every other week. Basketball is Dr. J and slam dunk contests and Phil Jackson smoking a peace pipe and not settling for outdated and racist school nicknames. Basketball is all about clean water in Sierra Leone and 81 point games and Dr. Dunkenstein and World B Free and Planet Lovetron and sleeping with 10,000 women and behind the back passes and the Harlem Globetrotters. As much as we might enjoy football, basketball is what this country needs.

And when it comes to hoops, Obama's got the credentials. Barack Obama is the candidate of Charles Barkley:

Meanwhile, even when he does get a basketball vote, McCain comes out losing. McCain is the candidate of Spencer Hawes:

Football has, for a while now, been the more popular sport among Americans. This much is clear from a cursory glance at television ratings. In fact, football may have cost John Kerry the most recent election.

However, McCain astutely realized that Obama, though the basketball candidate, wouldn't so easily concede the football vote:

If McCain were to rest on his laurels, expecting the football vote to push him into the White House, he might be left out alone on the field.

This is in addition to the fact that, while football still holds sway domestically, basketball, like Obama, is much more popular throughout the rest of the world, as seen in Obama's recent international trip and in the strength of the international hoops teams in the Olympics. Obama's ability to hold his own on the issue of football while dominating the basketball vote was clearly a problem for McCain. Why else would he pick as his VP Sarah Palin? Check it out:

According to Wikipedia, she was "the point guard and captain of the school's basketball team. She helped the team win the Alaska small-school basketball championship in 1982, hitting a critical free throw in the last seconds of the game, despite having an ankle stress fracture at the time."

At this point, Palin may even have the wherewithal to unite the sports, and offer a united front against Obama:

With all that's going on, I feel it important to bring you this special McFruity Presidential Endorsement. I am glad that basketball is finally a central issue. However, the candidates are NOT equally hoops-qualified. DON'T BE FOOLED. OBAMA IS THE ONLY TRUE BASKETBALL CANDIDATE. This November, please vote for the only real basketball president.

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