Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Congratulations BOOBIE!!!

Dear Boobie,


The dollar amounts haven't been made public yet, but word is that you've just signed a FIVE YEAR CONTRACT with the Cavaliers. Despite not knowing how much you signed for, you know and I know that whatever it is is more than any other team would have offered you. So congratulations on getting that money. The reason we can know for certain that you're being overpaid is that you are a role player -- specifically, a pure shooting guard who happens to be too short for his position, so you are called a point guard. You are still very young, and have yet to show how great you might possibly become as your game matures. And you got a 5 year deal (role players don't sign for that long, unless their name is Luke Walton or they got overpaid with a mid-level exception. And young players who haven't yet become superstars? They will generally sign shorter contracts so they can increase their value and then re-sign in a few years, unless they're getting a long-term contract that overpays them). From the Cleveland Cavaliers, who are notorious for overpaying whenever they sign a player.

Seventy percent of your made shots last year were assisted (ie, you didn't break your man down off the dribble, you just caught and shot). You had a low low usage rate of 14.7% (usage rate measures the percentage of a team's posessions that a player uses while on the court, so average would be 20% -- for comparison, Lebron James used 32.7% of possessions last year). Less than 20% of your own possessions last year were assists, hence you ended up with 2.5 assists in 30 minutes per game last year. You are most definitely not a point guard, you are a spot up shooter. And a damn good one -- you shot a hot 44% from the three point line last year and were #16 in the entire league in effective field goal percentage. I love your game, but let's be honest -- you got a point guard contract for being a backup shooter on a good team.

Normally, I criticize teams for overspending on a player (even while I'm happy for that player to be getting paid), since it makes it more difficult for that team to improve in the future. But in this case, all I can think about is just how happy I am for you.

Why? First of all, because you are ridiculously pretty -- far too pretty for this world:

If there's one thing that makes me happier than seeing people succeed, it's seeing beautiful people succeed. There is some evidence, too, that part of the reason you were signed was for your boyish good looks and winsome smile:

"He's got a great smile on the court. He can shoot the heck out of the ball and bring energy to our group because guys just love playing with him," Cavaliers general manager Danny Ferry said.

Another reason I'm happy for you is because you have a wonderful name. Born "Daniel Gibson," you have gone through your career with teammates, coaches, television commentators, and your adoring fans calling you "Boobie." More power to you.

And finally, I applaud you for working around the system. You were a first-round talent in 2006 when you left college, but you refused to workout for any team other than the Cleveland Cavaliers. As a result, you dropped to the Cavaliers in the second round of the draft. Most people would think dropping to the second round is a bad thing, since you don't get a guaranteed contract as a rookie. But you had confidence that you would make the team and get signed. And you did! And what that gave you was flexibility. While first round contracts last for four years with pre-defined maximum caps on annual salary, you were able to play for just two years before becoming a restricted free agent and going after that cash. Everybody knows that the second and third contracts are where the big money comes from, and you got a head start. During the next two years, All-Star Brandon Roy will be making under $7 million, but I am certain that you, who were drafted the same year, will be making more than that, even if you never become an all-star. You took a big risk in 2006, and now it is paying off.



  1. boobie boobie boobie. btw, i notice you think that name is silly, MCFRUITY.

  2. Mr. McFruity-

    I have a question for you. why would the Celtics let James Posey sign with the Hornets? He seemed like such a integral part of their defense in the finals last year. is this a signal that they know they fucking suck and have no chance of beating the Lakers next year?

    Thank you for being you and writing what you do.